Bullies aren't just middle school jerks

I've been more bullied as an adult than I ever was as a kid. I'm a reformed people pleaser. When I came back to Christ almost seven years ago, that people pleaser part of me dissipated like ice cream in my face yesterday. I stopped caring what other people think... or did I? I hate it when people don't like me, who am I kidding, but it doesn't define me like it used to, it doesn't make me change like it used to.

In 2016 I went on a girl's trip with my, then, closeknit group of girlfriends, back then I was partying and living the life I thought I' wanted, until my friend and now, Matron of Honor, invited me to church, about two weeks before we left. Christ stirred something in me. The night before we left, I'd sent a text to one of my closest friends at the time, she called me her BFF, but it was on her terms and quite frankly, I hate the bff thing, like, all my friends are the best, but whatever, she wasn't one to argue with. So, I text her something about the Cubs game, it was the world series game 5, I believe, and someone hit a homerun, I literally sent the text, put my phone down and went to sleep. The next morning, I woke up to a text from her about missing her hubs, who'd been gone a couple of weeks and she was struggling to leave him, I didn't text back because the girls were coming to pick me up in an hour and I had to get myself ready for the airport. Well, apparently that didn't sit well with her that I hadn't responded because from the SECOND they picked me up, she was cruel. For the next five days of our trip, she was CRUEL. I've NEVER, in my life been treated so horribly by someone who wasn't my friend, let alone someone who claimed to be the 'best' of them.

I knew then, God was calling me to something bigger. Our trip ended after 5 miserable days, no one would stand up to her or even acknowledge her treatment of me because everyone fears her for whatever reason, probably the bully thing, it's not hard to see now looking back. But that was it. I walked away from my entire group of friends, I wish I could've only walked away from her but where we live, our small lake community, it doesn't work that way.

This weekend we were on the lake, and I was chatting with an old friend, one who I'd walked away from who I didn't want to leave but wasn't going to cause issues for. And miss bully herself walks up and instantly starts talking shit to me. Like, it's been six years at this point, get OVER YOURSELF. I said hi to her, it didn't matter, she instantly started mouthing off. It hadn't even occurred to me that this was still an issue. Why is she so bothered by me. I prayed for her as I walked away, even though I didn't want to. I turned the other cheek and thankfully fiancé was there to remind me who God says I am.

It makes me sad for her. I'm not sure what makes people so bitter and angry. I did what I KNOW was right, by God's standards. I KNOW I needed out of that relationship if I was going to move on to His best for me. It just sucks that I had to leave a few friendships behind. It was great to connect to my old friend, even if our conversation was rudely interrupted. I reached out to her yesterday and we plan to have lunch soon. Some friendships are worth fighting for, some are not. I'm grateful now that I know the difference. I'm grateful for the God-loving women who are in my life who pour into me, not drain me dry.

In that moment I wanted to be mad, I was hurt, but mostly I pitied her. When we hold grudges, when we live in un-forgiveness, it only hurts us. She didn't hurt me by her actions or her words, she hurt herself. And I hope she can find some forgiveness for me, for her sake, because I certainly have forgiven her for my sake.

We never know the impact we're going to have on someone. And I hate that I hurt her. But we get what we give. We reap what we sow, and I hope that for both of us we can be better friends to the people God places in our lives.

I had to let go and let God today. It's bugged me all weekend that she still harbors so much hate for me. I know I've found peace and comfort in Jesus in the times I've felt alone, in the times I felt broken after my hysterectomy, after my brother was shot, after I bled and bled and couldn't leave the house for basically two years and if I did, I traveled with an arsenal of pads and extra pants and underwear. I've felt lost, I've experienced loss, I've been hurt by others, and I've hurt others. I've had to ask for forgiveness for myself and I've had to forgive others who didn't ask for it. But the Peace that passes all understanding lives in our hearts when we ask God into our lives, and I am beyond grateful for this peace I feel.

Forgive those who hurt you. Forgive yourself for hurting you. Ask others for forgiveness if you need to. But sometimes you just need to give it to God and go to sleep.