Confessions of a Newlywed, Fertility edition

We prayerfully decided that we would start our baby journey after a year of marriage. We finally celebrated one year in October of this year, it was a painful year, with many blessings and lessons but also a lot of struggles with D's surgery and an unexpected $21,000 in medical bills. But God always provides. We were asked recently if we would be interested in participating in a 'Disciple Making huddle' with a few members of our church. We both felt like God has called us to share more of our testimonies but don't really know what that looks like or how to go about it in a non-Jesus-verbal vomit sort of way. We graciously accepted the invitation and of course the enemy didn't like it. I've felt heavy, yes by my body and whatever seems to be going on in my angry gut but just in general, with my business, it just all seems 'off.' and the more people I talk to, the more I hear similar stories. Any time God brings good into your life, the enemy is threatened, he wants us living in defeat, he prowls around, scripture tells us, looking for someone to devour, so if you're not in the Word or tuned into the Holy Spirit in your life, you're more vulnerable to his schemes. Be aware.

A few weeks ago we started looking online for fertility doctors and surrogacy agencies and were instantly met with images of two men holding a baby, this does not align with our faith beliefs and we believe that if it is God's will He will direct us accordingly, but we were instantly defeated. We will not sacrifice our values or our faith to conceive, this is heavy on our hearts. As we continued to talk and pray we kept asking God that if this is the way we're to go that He will guide us, speak to us and let us be open to whatever He has for us and within four days we received confirmation that we need to continue to pursue this path, one message from a stranger and one from a friend. He is always speaking, if we are listening. But we must discern whether it is the voice of God. Lord, lead us. Lord, lead us. I keep repeating it over and over. Bring us to the doctor who will let us honor you with this baby, thank you for providing the perfect surrogate to carry this baby and thank you for provision if this is not your path. The financial commitment alone is enough to make you squirm, it's $223 to just MEET this doctor through zoom, that's not even saying we want him. Lord, lead us; in our doubt, in our fear and worry, lead us. This baby will honor God no matter how he or she comes to be.

Never give up your dream. D and I want to have a baby with his sperm and my egg, but I don't have a uterus and we've already decided that if it can't be both of us, we'll adopt. We are grateful for the baby God will bring into our lives; however they may come. We have faith that we will be parents and we're leaving the details up to Him. One thing I do know is that I won't sacrifice my marriage for a baby, I won't obsess over fertility, come what may, God always gives us what we need even if it looks differently than we'd hoped.

I hope that whatever season you're finding yourself in that you will lean into God's direction and plan for your life. Do you trust that He loves you and cares for your future? If you're in doubt, know that He does. Touch base with Him, lift your eyes and heart to Him, ask Him to reveal Himself in such a way that you know it can only be Him. He cares about what you care about, He aches for what you ache for, never doubt it. He is with you always, to the very end of the age.